D A Y O N E

Cut to: immediately upon arrival anywhere in North Korea, when Wendy was still being polite.

OLDER HANDLER: To be honest, this building is 600,000 square meters and took three weeks to build.

ME: Wow. That’s very impressive.

D A Y S I X

Cut to: immediately upon arrival anywhere in North Korea. Wendy, no longer so polite.

OLDER HANDLER: This building is 800,000 square meters and took one month to build.

ME, to myself: Huh, that seems pretty unlikely. There’s absolutely no way you were able to build this gigantic thirty-story building in only thirty days since you have no power tools or electricity or running water. On the other hand you are a country of slaves, so I guess it’s possible your Dear Great Leader could have just said, “Hey, you 300,000 normal people are going to do nothing for the next thirty days but build this building, and I don’t really care how many of you die doing it.” (He probably whispered that last bit.)

So, it’s equally likely that it’s true, or not true, which is the fundamental conundrum with everything everyone says to you in North Korea, and it will slowly make you crazy.

ME , aloud: Uh huh. That’s pretty fast.

OLDER HANDLER: Yes.

ME : So then let me ask you this…what’s the deal with that pyramid hotel? I mean it’s been under construction for what, like 30 years? Why can’t they get it done? What’s the holdup? I bet it’s still completely empty inside! Have you been inside? But you’re a guide…surely as a guide they’d want you to see inside. When will it be finished? Why wouldn’t they tell the guides? I just don’t understand. I mean if they can build an entire movie studio in a week, why can’t they get one hotel finished?

OLDER HANDLER, while making a sweeping, grandiose arm gesture: Who can know the future?

ME : Well, I thought your Dear Great dead Leader could?

FRESH HANDLER: You want go Concrete Wall?

ME: I don’t know. What’s the Concrete Wall?

FRESH HANDLER: It’s a concrete wall.

ME: I don’t understand. It’s just a concrete wall?

FRESH HANDLER: Yes.

ME: Why would we go look at a concrete wall?

FRESH HANDLER, giggling, shrugging shoulders while making a face that says, “You got me…I don’t know why we’d go look at a concrete wall”: You can’t see wall.

ME: What do you mean we can’t see the wall? I don’t understand. I thought you said we were going to see a concrete wall?

FRESH HANDLER: Wall is very far. You can’t see it. You look at wall through hole.

ME: What do you mean we look at wall through hole?

FRESH HANDLER, giggling, covering her mouth with her hand while looking to the sky for the right word: Ahh, wall is very far away. You look through, ahh…

ME: Binoculars?

FRESH HANDLER, delighted: Yes! You look through binoculars to see wall. But can’t see wall.

Okay, got it. We look through binoculars to see a concrete wall that we can’t see. I’m so happy I understand her that I momentarily forget I don’t understand her.

ME: So we’re going to look at a concrete wall that you can only see through binoculars, but you still can’t see it?

FRESH HANDLER, motioning with her hand to indicate something close to “Yes…I told you this was a stupid idea.”: Sort of.

She looked a little embarrassed.

Sensing that my current line of questioning was likely to end up with Fresh Handler in tears, I changed tack.

“Is it close to where we are now?” We were still at the DMZ.

FRESH HANDLER: Ohhh, nooo. Very far. More than one-hour drive back to Kaesong, and then one-hour drive back to wall. And road is very bumpy. Road not so good.

This was sounding fucking awesome.

“So we drive from here all the way back to Kaesong, then we drive another hour on a bad, bumpy road to a concrete wall that we can only see by looking through binoculars? But we can’t see it. So what do we see?”

FRESH HANDLER: Just wall.

She smile-giggle-shrugged.

I was in, and we were off.